Dear _______________,

What am I going to do with you?  Y B G is about a girl receiving relevant information, understanding her personal power and connecting her heart and spirit with sexuality.

Did you hear yourself when I gave you those 3 chapters back in April?

You said “Well, I don’t think she is going to read this. But…” So many mothers (not so much the dads) are not owning their power i.e. their right and responsibility as a parent to share, learn and grow with their adolescent.  They bow out. Even when the tools are offered. I didn’t spend 5 years on this project to see mothers shriek from empowering information and tools.

Of course, she will say no…and fight you. She’s a teen! My boys did too. And yet they were grateful for the info and me dragging them and their friends to sex Ed classes at the downtown Presbyterian church. They had to walk through picket lines and policeman (protecting the educators and the kids) as Sex Ed. was banned in Texas. So what!  My oldest thanked me on his wedding day.  This book is not just about sex ed. Far from it.

You asked both your guests Wed. and this afternoon. “Do you have any tools to help empower our girls?”

No! She’s a journalist. It’s not her job. She said, “Today it’s about Personal Will. It’s happening all over the United States”. When we have teens, the parent must act…and use tools to help reinforce their tween and teen that she has the power and responsibility for her own body and mind. This manuscript helps you share about today’s reality – campus tragedies, drug and alcohol and its effects.  But that is just one of many necessary things, to be honest with her about. She is not too young to learn.  It may even be a little late.

As I heard your interview Thursday I saw each chapter fill the gap – the gap of helping girls today learn how and why they have the power. Our girls don’t believe this when it comes to relationships and communication, love, and sexuality.  This is not their fault.

It’s our job as a parent to constantly share   correct information

and use effective tools, especially in today’s world.

This manuscript has the tools in each chapter. It was written to help not just her but you.

Are you willing to gather in a group of brave mothers (and a father or two)?  Oh, please forgive my rant.

I am doing my best to practice compassionate patience.

 

First Experiences

Honor Thyself

Have you ever had a boy take your hand and hold it and you had no idea he was going to do this? What about the first time you experience watching a movie with a boy you like a lot? Imagine him putting his arm around you. How might that feel? What about that first kiss from someone you are crazy about? Can you imagine (or remember for older girls) that sweet lip press on your cheek or kiss from a guy you really like?  How will (did) that feel? What about the charge of electricity going through you…like completely! You are happy.

Guess what. You can kiss these first one of a kind life experiences goodbye should you decide it’s easier to get drunk as a young teen. “But whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?” whines the little Valley Girl.

The purpose of alcohol and drugs is to numb out, a little or a lot. That natural electrical charge from a first experience will have a major glitch in its circuit after one drink or hit of something (like weed). Weed may come from the earth and wine from grapes, but the pure natural charge of a kiss or hand hold becomes a natural high that is missed should a girl feel the need to get buzzed. You simply miss out.  Real feelings; the natural highs of life’s firsts, seconds and thirds are for too many girls today a pipe dream. The alcohol, joint, or prescription drug blocked it. But using is a choice.  And if you have a family history of heavy alcohol use your days are numbered.

Let’s use a friend as an example. Maybe she didn’t have the patience, confidence, or strength of character to just go hang out or go to a party at someone’s house and be fully conscious.  Or what about a girlfriend who thought it a bright idea to find an illegal substance, down it, and is loaded?

You will never have the chance, in this lifetime, to relive or remember how cool a real first kiss or act of affection is by someone you care about should you allow yourself to be influenced by a fun loving but misguided group of friends.  Yes, it does take brains, self- will, and confidence.  So what.  Fake it till you make it and say “Nope” or “No thanks” or “No way, I’ll pass”, again and again.  You are now acting consciously. Let that sink deep in you. Half of all adults are not conscious.  This is a level of being in your mind and heart nobody can take away from you.  You are not just saying no because it’s illegal and you could get hurt or caught. It’s a big friggin’ deal to stay conscious. You will treasure certain memories all your life.

Taken From Ch. 2  A Brief History of Sex... under  The Seventies

Unspoken but adhered to standards for sexual activity outside of marriage helped both sexes in three crucial areas.  A young woman was pretty good at staying connected to her heart.  Her standards helped the male have respect for her. Respect for women on many levels was higher in some areas than we are seeing today.  Feeling used and being known as an “easy lay” was a horrible feeling and the consequence was often a lower sense of self   .If a girl threw out her standards and boundaries for a guy she only kind of liked.. and he only kind of liked her –  it was very often a deal breaker. Most girls knew how guys thought.  An example: “Man, I want this chick (physically) but if she puts out…I may dump her.” Oops.Though females liked being respected by friends and family and if her V B S was present she wanted to feel respect for herself.  And in all honesty, when drugs or alcohol entered the scene..her V B S sometimes went out  the window.

Today, to be respected and loved is still what most females want . It is also what the a guy wants in a girl they ultimately fall for.

Discuss with a parent or trusted adult – Has it changed?

 

So, love month slipped right by me? No way!  I have been hyper- focused on the book’s final edit. But I did find time to deliver 18 flower arrangements on the 14th day of February.

Love is a feeling as well as an action. And having a significant other, husband or boyfriend… wasn’t necessary this year.

I felt love and listened to cool music the entire day and had a Prius full of flowers and balloons! Action does it sometimes. But so, does having a wonderful history of having fallen in love … many times.  And when a girl skips learning communication, learning to trust another, flirting and affection during adolescence- they are robbed of amazing experiences and memories.

 The ‘feeling the love’ and romance factor was a big reason for writing Y B G.  The other of course is loving one’s self, the tools, and keeping self-respect and esteem intact.  Sexual intimacy before the dance of romance and love – makes the above close to impossible.  Here’s to Love Day… on March first!

 

 A clip from Chapter 1  Female City

So why are so many girls often acting like guys, being aggressive sexually, knowing they will be tossed aside?  It is directly connected to why many American young men are disrespecting females and getting away with it.  I heard this great rock song recently entitled ‘Glory of Love’.   “I am a man who will fight for your honor…all in the name of the glory of love.” It’s a friggin rock band singing it! It is so powerful that the music and the words can create feelings of love just by listening to it! It’s by Peter Cetera. Check it out. I often ask girls “So where is the l-o-v-e in songs today?” A great twenty-year-old shared with me, “Oh, we have to find one of the old songs for that.” Listening to songs of love (Rock or slow) was part of the core of being a teen or young adult at one time.

Did you know most teen boys are uncomfortable with all the overt sex talk and girls chasing them? I know you are young, but you can get this. And it is crucial you do for the sake of your body, mind, heart, or unique Spirit…and your future!

Ask yourself the following:

  • “How do I feel about the subject of love and sex?
  • How do I feel about sexual activity and no love?
  • “Am I being fooled and tricked into believing what the media projects?”
  • “How can I make informed decisions about my life and be true to my values?”
  • “What are my values?”
  • “Am I really supposed to like and want what guys like?” (Absolutely not.)

The truth is that love and sexuality are not easy to discuss.  Parents often don’t know where to start, especially in today’s world.  If you have a mom, aunt or willing grandmother, ask her to read the first chapter of the book. You read the same chapter.  Now share with each other. Do this only if you trust that this relative has your best interest at heart, and that they can be kind and open. You may feel better reading YBG by yourself.  And that’s perfectly fine. Hey, your mom just might be young enough that you both learn something new together!  Life skills are absolutely something you both can do.  However, do them on your own and then share together.  If you are a bit uncomfortable it’s ok.

 

 

 

“Hey it’s just sex.” I mean pornography. 

 

I got blown away by 23-year-old young woman recently.  We were in my car and she asked me what I did. When I shared with her that I was finishing up a guide book for tween and teen girls on love, sexuality and guys she became emotional.  She said. “Oooh , oooh, don’t tell me about it. I hate sex. I don’t want to hear about it.” What? I knew she lived with her boyfriend, but I did not bring this fact up.  She looked 16, but 23 is not sixteen. What’s up? I asked.  She replied, “I hate sex, but I will read your book. But I don’t want to talk about it.” But I had not asked her to read it. I kept silent and confused.

After our errand she brought up my book – saying again, and adding in a hurt tone, “Well, I will read your book.  Maybe if my mother had told me anything I wouldn’t hate it so much”.  I was confused. Why would you hate sex simply because your mom didn’t share with you?  And then I put two and two together and …I got blown away and deeply saddened.

Think about it.  A girl in her twenties or early thirties today has probably grown up seeing hideous pornographic visuals whether she wanted to or not.  Even if she saw only one or two visuals, it can totally distort for a girl, what sexuality is.   If you are 20 something today, and have parents who never shared with you that sexuality is a loving act in its perfect and right time between two people who love each other, you may well think pornography is what making love is. Yuck and double yuck.  This realization makes me sad for the last two generations. Back in the day we saw everything through romance and love; music, movies, etc. Kids today do not get to see and think of love and romance as we did.

The real crime (deeper than an STD) is that pornography is everywhere and has destroyed what teens and 20 somethings think sex is. Think about your first experience in seeing pornography. Mine was disgusting. I walked by a VHS tape box and it had 2 male member parts …STOP. I won’t share it on a blog.  I was in my early 40s.   The memory has never left me. But I knew about making love, I knew romance. It was how I grew up. I didn’t have to battle visions of pornography that had been thrown in my face and then have to talk myself into what ‘making love’ might be.    Those of us (I’m guessing 45 and over) who were lucky enough not to be exposed to pornography did not hear in movies (and cable TV shows) blatantly say, “I want to F…. her, you, or the dog.” God, we were we fortunate.  We could sweetly visualize one day (and I don’t mean waiting for marriage- but for love) being in a caring physical relationship, and what that might be like.

Most Teens have never heard an adult they respect share with them that love and sexuality is beautiful. Some younger parents today grew up with ‘porn not love’ visuals as their teacher and perhaps this is why we have girls doing sexual acts for no reason, other than to do them – hoping a guy will like them.   Hey, it’s just sex...as they say.

This is what I want our girls to do; feel the love and romance we were able to by simply listening to those major cool rock love songs! Remember Peter Cetera, “I am a man who will fight for your honor… we did it all for the glory of love? “  la la la.  Don’t care if she thinks your a weirdo. Pull them off I tunes and blast them through the house and car. Here are a few you will both love-  Whole Lotta Love – Led Zepplin, Get Ready…Rare Earth, Could it be I’m Fallin in Love…The Spinners, Love takes Time…Orleans, Give Me All Your Lovin…ZZ Top. It will lift both your spirits!

 

 

IMG_3972I was standing in line with some wonderful people in Santa Monica., One was a  mother of two girls 13 and 18 and a son 16.They have lived all over the world and today are back in Southern California.  She loves YBG‘s message and proceeded to tell me a story of how her son was approached by a 15 year old girl sexually. He backed off and told her no. The girl then began to  start rumors about him. She said he was gay and much teasing began. She posted it on Facebook and a few other social media sites.  He was and is still effected by it today.

Sadly this story is not new. In fact it reminds me of an incident way back-  where I thought ….maybe that my first love was weird just because he was ok with just kissing and making out!   Though I knew  I was not  going to go any further..as a Senior in high school, in my weird insecure teen head, I began to doubt him.  He was such a gem. He told me I was nuts when I rudely blurted out,”What’s going on are you gay? ” He didn’t argue back but looked at me perplexed.  What an idiot I was. I almost lost my date to the prom! I also would have lost the first perfect and real love of my life, had I not apologized and realized that many guys in high school are content to but be romantic, kiss and are ok with light sexual play – meaning no below the belt activity.

This story is embarrassing, but one of many that girls need to read about, talk about and learn from. Standing later, in this same line – a mother shared that a friend, has a 13 year old daughter who is a musical prodigy. The mother put her in one of the finest schools in the country. A few weeks a go the mom saw on her daughter’s cell phone a photo she had sent a boy.  Her pants were unzipped. The mother is crushed. Where does she begin?

Talk casually, share and ask goofy and funny questions! Yes, yap until she screams “MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM… Stop!!”  You too Dad!

I am so frustrated my book is not out yet. But it is in the hands of a wonderful editor that took me 2 1/2  years to be graced with. Perhaps I should post a chapter- that can help you – the parent or grandparent get started on the Art and practice of sharing with your teen on Love sexual intimacy and boys.. They want it, they need it and will one day thank you for it.  They are never too old. Or,   why would every  20 something female I meet and share the book’s concept with say, “Can I read it when your finished?

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I’m embarrassed. I did not do a ‘blog’ in March. I was geared up to do a 2nd one in February on love and romance, being that girls experiencing real communication and romance is part of my reason for having written Y B G.  I got sideswiped by an over the top Ted Talk.  It was detailed information on young males and pornography. I literally stopped everything for 3 weeks to process it.   My dilemma was whether to share it with you or not. At first I thought – no way.  I quickly realized that if I was a mother of a tween or teen girl, I would want to know what Gail Dines dared to share in her UK Ted talk.  Why? Because information is power and this is a must share.

Today what the average boy 12 ½ to 15 is exposed to is mind blowing and heart breaking.  Not to mention all the older males that view pornography frequently. The content I did not want to believe. Then again Gail Dines, the mother of two boys, took five years of her life to research this modern day atrocity.

Here’s the good news.  You can choose to be part of a very big cultural shift. Have you noticed that we are going through a planetary crisis, in every area of life on earth?  A conscious shift is happening.  And it will take each of us to be willing to stay conscious for great change to happen.

There is great hope.  Real change always starts with small groups. So, I decided not to hide information from you. I can afford not to. Why? Because no one is paying me to be careful about what I say…or will “lose my j – o –b.”  Yes, freedom has its price.

Please don’t hate the messenger. Do though, put on your big girl panties or big guy boxers and watch this PowerfulTed Talk on You Tube.  If a woman can get her doctorate in Sociology and study this for five years, we can be brave enough to watch it.  Please go to www.GailDines.com and click on Ted Talk.

Hang in there. Help is on the way. And YOU are part of this help.

 

 

Is being sexual more important than real one on one communication, romance, love and affection? And why are girls today having their innate power as a female taken from them? I believe much of it is due to our overpowering and twisted media the last 20 years.

By the time college comes along- what have our girls learned about really getting to know the opposite sex? Apparently not much. How could this very young, but well educated New York Times writer not know the answers to the interviewers dumbfounded but logical questions?

IMG_4658

Dang , I don’t like being told I HAVE to do something every friggin week. Yes, I am a 15 year old at heart.   But I do believe in doing what my heart calls, knowing what is most important is always shown to me. So here goes.

I sit down at my beautiful Mission style library and People magazine is laying on the only available table.‘25 most intriguing people of 2015 ‘. Schumer is on the cover. I roll my eyes. Darn, and I thought I had spared moms  my rants on Lindsey and Miley C. But then comes Schumer. She is categorized as a sex comedian.

Confession: I originally had done a vlog.  My mom like rant began by sharing this young female’s distortedness on sex and love–after seeing her on HBO after a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner. The next evening, I turn on the last 45 minutes of … Sickening Shades of Gray. I see a twenty year old being slapped on the rear, then tied up with red straps by some nut case. The third night, I surrender. “Try Netflix Mimmy! “ Yet another ‘how low can we go show’.It opens up with two young adults going at it. The condom breaks, they run to the drug store in an UBER car for the morning after pill. He gets out of the car and says something like, “Hey, I enjoyed it. I’ll call you for coffee some time.” It was a hook up. No real connection other than physical.

In my video rant I had gone straight to where I always do. Someone’s 11 year old daughter spends the night at a friend’s home. They turn on HBO, and see Schumer’s special and hear her share on how getting it on with a guy or having him going down on her – and she didn’t even like him- and how it was so…” Yada yada. Then the following night (mind you- these were on at 7:30 and 8 pm) Yep, every 11- 16 year old will learn much from those shows. Not.

But she’s making big bucks, she doesn’t think, “what will my 11 year old niece, or God forbid future 11 year old child think one day’. So what the _____. I’ll do sex comedy.’ Cool, like yap to the world your S – E – X life. And make sure its degrading…but funny.

I learned one thing from Schumer’s HBO sex comedy special. She has yet to experience love and… and much more damaging in the long run, she has yet to learn to honor herself, the specialness of physical intimacy and making love. And if she keeps it up; she never will.

Message to Amy: I’m sorry Amy, I really am, that someone forgot to tell you ‘you are so much more than you know, ‘How guys think”, and some other basics your generation missed. Again, NOT YOUR FAULT! But you are an adult now. Begin your research for going to a higher ground. In my book YBG, The soon to be 8th grader who got on her knees 3 times at camp back in 96? – She Amy, is your age today. I often wonder how her heart is, her disease risk status, and how getting blown off, a lot has affected her.

IN WAITING (like love making with the right person) is the birth of some help:

For females from 19 to 30 something, I have a book in editing appropriately entitled Get off Your Knees. Until then, perhaps YBG can help your warped perspective; totally the fault of ….not just the 5 big media giants but valueless, boundary-less, class- less money making humanoids on the boob tube (internet).