Willing & Able

 Someone young, brave & relevant has appeared. A female with – Values & Standards speaks out. 

STANDARDS

Standards are weirdly simple but important. As you take the time and do the work and find your Standards, you may realize Standards help guide, not just society, but your everyday life. They just make life easier.

            Recently a mentor of mine (and Oprah’s) said, “You must be the standard-bearer of excellence,” and, “You are here to be a standard-bearer of existence.”. A kind of confidence happens when you actually define your standards of being. They are a simple way to keep you in check.

           A standard-bearer is a person who may be an outstanding leader, or who is representative of a group or movement. I see 18-year-old Emma Gonzalez from the Florida school shootings on February 14th, 2018, as a standard bearer of courage. She stood among many voicing her opinion loud and clear that “Adults are acting like children”.  It appears she has been brave in several areas of her life.

          Today, many sane, honest, and well-meaning people in the United States agree that some of our world leaders are not worthy of serving as role models to a polite society. Although I am very comfortable with non-conformity, would it not be nice if more leaders had high qualitative value, were polite, and admired by others?

            Standards matter, because when we blow off standards we begin to see corruption, massive killings, and terrorists running around hurting and murdering innocent people. Today it is all in full swing. A society with healthy standards would uphold this principle, for example, no automatic weapons owned by civilians. No brutal dictators or leaders with low standards and little respect for people can run for public office. Humans having low standards influence others: they often scar and darken the human heart and spirit.

What Are Standards?

 I often see Standards in terms of fashion and style. Is that weird? It’s probably because I was a photographer and designer for years.

Here’s an example.

This beautiful woman comes to certain daytime community gatherings. She will sometimes show up wearing a tube top or flimsy sundress.  There are men in these meetings discussing serious topics. She is well-endowed, and it makes her stand out . . . and not for her creative input or beauty. Get what I mean?

Let’s keep it simple.

Here are some definitions:

  1. Serving or conforming to an established or accepted measurement of value.
  2. A widely recognized model of authority or excellence.
  3. Acceptable but of less than top quality.
  4. Normal, familiar, or usual, for example . . . the standard excuse.
  5. Conforming to models or norms of usage admired by educated speakers and writers;
  6. A qualitative value—a criterion.
  7. A requirement of moral conduct: the model of a polite society.

 Standards are personal and subjective. They have the power to harm or heighten a person, group or culture’s existence.

Upside Down and Sideways

On a recent reality show…and let’s admit it – many of them are just an exaggerated aspect of what is going on in our world, a beautiful, but less than well- educated woman said “I told him we have to stop having babies out of wedlock.   We need to get married.”  And he said “I don’t think I am ready. I still have a commitment phobia”.  Ahh…hello… bringing a human being into this world is not a commitment?

This is not a guy’s fault. This is a generation of women that do not know their value and are willing to have a child with a man that does not commit.  What if this 28-year-old had established her V B S (values, boundaries and standards) in her tweens or early teens?  Could someone have shown her how to begin this process? Yes, if the adult around her knew this practice and was willing to do it herself.

    Many mothers today…are not as clued in to why men are not committing as their own mothers were.  They just know few men are willing to go there.  And few young women today are willing to do and not do what it takes to create a worthy relationship. Sorry Charlie- but self- restraint, high standards and delayed gratification have many reasons for existing. Letting a guy know you are worthy is just one of the reasons for practicing these three higher level life practices.  And the more shows our young ones see that show having a baby without ‘A ring on it’, the more skewed and painful life can become.  Ouch.

“Hey it’s just sex.” I mean pornography. 

 

I got blown away by 23-year-old young woman recently.  We were in my car and she asked me what I did. When I shared with her that I was finishing up a guide book for tween and teen girls on love, sexuality and guys she became emotional.  She said. “Oooh , oooh, don’t tell me about it. I hate sex. I don’t want to hear about it.” What? I knew she lived with her boyfriend, but I did not bring this fact up.  She looked 16, but 23 is not sixteen. What’s up? I asked.  She replied, “I hate sex, but I will read your book. But I don’t want to talk about it.” But I had not asked her to read it. I kept silent and confused.

After our errand she brought up my book – saying again, and adding in a hurt tone, “Well, I will read your book.  Maybe if my mother had told me anything I wouldn’t hate it so much”.  I was confused. Why would you hate sex simply because your mom didn’t share with you?  And then I put two and two together and …I got blown away and deeply saddened.

Think about it.  A girl in her twenties or early thirties today has probably grown up seeing hideous pornographic visuals whether she wanted to or not.  Even if she saw only one or two visuals, it can totally distort for a girl, what sexuality is.   If you are 20 something today, and have parents who never shared with you that sexuality is a loving act in its perfect and right time between two people who love each other, you may well think pornography is what making love is. Yuck and double yuck.  This realization makes me sad for the last two generations. Back in the day we saw everything through romance and love; music, movies, etc. Kids today do not get to see and think of love and romance as we did.

The real crime (deeper than an STD) is that pornography is everywhere and has destroyed what teens and 20 somethings think sex is. Think about your first experience in seeing pornography. Mine was disgusting. I walked by a VHS tape box and it had 2 male member parts …STOP. I won’t share it on a blog.  I was in my early 40s.   The memory has never left me. But I knew about making love, I knew romance. It was how I grew up. I didn’t have to battle visions of pornography that had been thrown in my face and then have to talk myself into what ‘making love’ might be.    Those of us (I’m guessing 45 and over) who were lucky enough not to be exposed to pornography did not hear in movies (and cable TV shows) blatantly say, “I want to F…. her, you, or the dog.” God, we were we fortunate.  We could sweetly visualize one day (and I don’t mean waiting for marriage- but for love) being in a caring physical relationship, and what that might be like.

Most Teens have never heard an adult they respect share with them that love and sexuality is beautiful. Some younger parents today grew up with ‘porn not love’ visuals as their teacher and perhaps this is why we have girls doing sexual acts for no reason, other than to do them – hoping a guy will like them.   Hey, it’s just sex...as they say.

This is what I want our girls to do; feel the love and romance we were able to by simply listening to those major cool rock love songs! Remember Peter Cetera, “I am a man who will fight for your honor… we did it all for the glory of love? “  la la la.  Don’t care if she thinks your a weirdo. Pull them off I tunes and blast them through the house and car. Here are a few you will both love-  Whole Lotta Love – Led Zepplin, Get Ready…Rare Earth, Could it be I’m Fallin in Love…The Spinners, Love takes Time…Orleans, Give Me All Your Lovin…ZZ Top. It will lift both your spirits!

 

 

I guess I can’t escape doing a blog about the notorious KKK group that seems to have infiltrated many young and not so young girls lives the last – what 8 years? I jokingly call the Kardashians the Kardashian Komedy Klan.  Why? Because if I don’t laugh at what I saw –I might throw a brick through a window. Living in the same city, it wouldn’t be all that hard to do. I see mothers here disgusted and frustrated. They roll their eyes, shrug, and share a scary story about the daughters worshiping Kylie Jenner.

The Neices

My Klan…some of my nieces… they may have a K in their name, the similarity stops there.

I have had to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians, if I was going to make comments and share with mothers, “Don’t let your babies grow up to be Kardashians”- Hey that’s a song isn’t it? Oh no, it’s Cowboys.  Well, these chicks don’t ride horses but…..Stop Mimmy, stop!  Before I share what I saw the other evening, in their defense, they have a very loving family, a very co- dependent family and absolutely no recovery. How’s that for blatant honesty? Chances are if they did, a few main characters would have bailed on the show. But money speaks louder than rigorous honesty and discovering one’s VBS, (values, boundaries and standards) Miracles happen all the time.  But this one- has yet to happen.

So, I click on their latest show.  It opens with 3 darling little toddlers, the father, and 2 of the KKKer’s. Ah, family! They’ve got us hooked and softened. But what I saw later- I had to double take! No, Kim K did not say in her soft little voice “Oh, I’m so excited about doing the M L F video. It’s going to be so cool.” No no, no.   I truly thought I misheard her. She and a few other mothers were to dress up in latex (scantily and sleazily clad) and rock their booties showing they could still be sexy.  Fifteen minutes later several mothers are flailing their bodies making Madonna look like Mother Teresa.

Which takes me straight to my favorite question for any mother, of a tween or teen girl

What would (will) your 11 year old daughter, niece, or God child think if she watched this show?

Perhaps the miracle of reflecting and creating values, boundaries and standards will one day be  introduced to them. Ya think?Or will they scramble when their girls begin to….

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I’m embarrassed. I did not do a ‘blog’ in March. I was geared up to do a 2nd one in February on love and romance, being that girls experiencing real communication and romance is part of my reason for having written Y B G.  I got sideswiped by an over the top Ted Talk.  It was detailed information on young males and pornography. I literally stopped everything for 3 weeks to process it.   My dilemma was whether to share it with you or not. At first I thought – no way.  I quickly realized that if I was a mother of a tween or teen girl, I would want to know what Gail Dines dared to share in her UK Ted talk.  Why? Because information is power and this is a must share.

Today what the average boy 12 ½ to 15 is exposed to is mind blowing and heart breaking.  Not to mention all the older males that view pornography frequently. The content I did not want to believe. Then again Gail Dines, the mother of two boys, took five years of her life to research this modern day atrocity.

Here’s the good news.  You can choose to be part of a very big cultural shift. Have you noticed that we are going through a planetary crisis, in every area of life on earth?  A conscious shift is happening.  And it will take each of us to be willing to stay conscious for great change to happen.

There is great hope.  Real change always starts with small groups. So, I decided not to hide information from you. I can afford not to. Why? Because no one is paying me to be careful about what I say…or will “lose my j – o –b.”  Yes, freedom has its price.

Please don’t hate the messenger. Do though, put on your big girl panties or big guy boxers and watch this PowerfulTed Talk on You Tube.  If a woman can get her doctorate in Sociology and study this for five years, we can be brave enough to watch it.  Please go to www.GailDines.com and click on Ted Talk.

Hang in there. Help is on the way. And YOU are part of this help.

 

 

Tuesday Sept. 29, 2015

 

Do you remember the rock band Bad Company? I was working out to it this morning and noticed that they used the word love a lot in the first 3 songs. The sweet kicker was the 2nd to last s480ong; Ready for Love. And what about Led Zepplin’s Whole Lotta Love?  Here’s something to take note of, moms of tween and teen girls. Romance and love has been the bomb for all females for centuries.  And remember? Music often created in us feelings of love. We didn’t even have to have a boyfriend!

What might your daughter miss out on (besides respect and honor) if she disconnects sexual activity from love and romance?

Many of us heard nonstop love songs from grade school through High school daily on the radio. Even the oldies took us to another world. Remember Little Anthony and the Imperials- Going out of my mind? Wow! Our Rock musicians sang about love, cool female singers sang songs that dripped love and affection, as did our country musicians. It was not sex they sang about.  The energy of love and romance was a part of everyday life. And then…Madonna came in; all rough and tough, “Give it to me”; sadly, no mother guidance there. She had passed. Then hip hop and rap came riding in on MTV. It all revolved around s e x.

Love and romance has become a side kick. Oh what they are missing. And worse what might their memories be? Most adults over 45 have memories that come alive still today -just hearing those songs.

Now days all we hear from talk show hosts, teens, and actors in media is- ‘They had sex’, ‘ We had sex’,  ‘You had sex?’, put out there like it’s a… (get ready) bowel movement; yes, a physical act with no heart connection. Parents today are using these phrases. There are two better phrases that if used often will subconsciously change you and your daughter. I will share them in the next blog.  At first I took it literally. And then I realized, ‘Hey, so do the kids.’ But they are not growing up to love songs. So, if a misguided, or zero guided 8th grade girl performs the epidemic –on and off campus act of “oral’; she has obviously never connected the dots. She has not been guided and primed to know that her sexual well being is connected to her heart and spirit.  Many parents wait for the school to do their job. Yea right.

This is not a criticism.  It is simply reality in today’s world.  How do you share with your daughter the obvious: that romance and love come first, and that her heart and spirit are the guideposts? Don’t all females young and old know this? No, they do not.  For most females this is a no brainer. But a twisted media has taken over. And  parents and their girls, even with a spiritual support system is not enough.  TV programing we can trust is gone and a strong united parental guidance program has yet to been shown to you, There’s no doubt, that most media today corrupts way more than it enhances. Money is their bottom line.

So what’s our goal parents? Keeping them safe is not enough.  Let’s begin by putting two and two together and take action. Please put on your feeling cap. Baby steps, the right questions and willingness to go inside yourself  and answer them- is the only way to grow confident and comfortable with this overwhelming subject.

Here’s your homework for next week. And yes, the answers may vary greatly for a mom who was in high school in the late 90’s.

    1. Have you   a) always or almost always  b) sometimes  or c) rarely    –   connected sexual intimacy with romance and love?
    2. If your answer was always or almost always     –      why and how come? Please write down your answers and thoughts.
    3. If sexual intimacy was only sometimes or rarely connected with love and romance ? Why? How come? Write thoughts and answer down.
    4. How important is to you that your daughter connect love and romance before becoming sexually active?  Why or why  not?  Two paragraphs if possible.                                      
  • Perhaps do this while playing a few of your favorite love songs.  Good luck! 

IMG_0178FIRST YBG BLOG   9-9-2015

I have something…almost ready for you; a book that eases you, the parent, or grandparent- and your tween or teen daughter into conversations that heal and reveal. In today’s world, life lessons, and relevant information about sex, how young (and not so young) guys tend to think and LOVE, for one’s self is where we must be brave enough to go to.  So where does a parent start? How does one create a great ‘slide in’; a beginning point? The book will do this. But something else has to come first; something you will need to do that will make sharing this book with her much, much easier.  For now, just be thinking about your V B S – your Values, your Boundaries and your Standards. Don’t panic- ha, (like I did) just be thinking.

After finishing the manuscript, I reviewed a book by the queen of sex education. She is the best at sharing what information an 8, 10, 12 and 14 year old brain can process. Talk to Me First, came out in 2012. By then, my boys were grown. I raised them smack dab in the beginning of America’s Media Melt Down, (internet, cable, MTV) they were 10 and 12, right during the Clinton scandal. I had to think on my feet.  This giant in the sex education field said to do exactly what I did!  I taught there on the spot.  By then, I had already shown them a wonderful instructional cartoon like video (VHS tape) on the right and wrong ways to talk about sex with your kids. My boys found it very funny. It was called “Let’s Talk About Sex’. The song in it had us singing for months, “Let’s talk about Sex baby…let’s talk about you and me.” la la la.  This is not what most parents feel comfortable doing. But, we are their best, most trusted source, and with knowledge and a sense of humor, you will do a great job.

I hope this first blog didn’t not bore you. I write a lot – but blogs? Oh well, if I had started blogging during the Lyndsey Lohan days or the Miley Cyrus circus…God, help us all. But I believe in perfect timing – and this bigger than big subject, and media’s effect on our children’s mental, emotional and sometimes physical health, will have a light shined on it SO BIG that our kids will know what’s up and what’s right for them …If it’s the last thing I do on this earth. 🙂 🙂

When I told my oldest about the book I was writing, he was 26. He confidently said, “Well, yea mom. That’s your thing”. What? Ha. Our kids know us in ways we don’t know ourselves.

 

 

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